Mike Huckabee and MLB umpire Joe West
Full Name: Michael Dale Huckabee
D.O.B.: August 24, 1955
Offices Held: Fox News' 8 p.m. Saturday time slot (2008- ), Governor of Arkansas (1996-2007), Lieutenant Governor of Arkansas (1993-1996)
Status: Out of the race
Why He Would've Won: After being mired in the single digits throughout the first year of the 2008 primary campaign, Huckabee came from behind to win the Iowa caucuses, thanks to his likable personality and mastery of subliminal Christian imagery in campaign ads (see Fig. 1). After the campaign, Huckabee got a job at the media arm of the Republican Party, Fox News, where his eponymous chat show regularly beats the Soul Train reruns and Doggie Steps infomercial that compete in the same time slot. Huckabee is also an ordained Southern Baptist minister, which not only makes him an official political triple threat (governor/TV personality/man of God), it gives him an advantage with Evangelicals, social conservatives, and anyone else giddy over the prospect of the Rapture. And as the affable, sometimes-portly, instrument-playing ex-Governor of Arkansas, the exact trail for Huckabee to take to the White House has already been blazed by Bill Clinton. If details of a scandalous affair leak out, Huckabee is practically a shoo-in.
Why He Would've Lost: While Huckabee's religious credentials might help in some select Republican primaries, he'd be entering a long line of other preachers in recent memory who ran and failed (Jesse Jackson, Pat Robertson, Al Sharpton, Mike Huckabee, etc). And as someone who's lost over 100 pounds and kept (most of) it off, Huckabee would be a living reminder to Americans of just how fat we really are, even though he knows full well how sensitive we are about our weight. Huckabee has even voiced support for Michelle Obama's socialist nutrition and anti-obesity crusade, which won't sit well with overweight conservatives, also known as Cracker Barrel Republicans.