Full Name: Franklin George Prescott "Gluey" Barbara Bush
Offices Held: None
Why He'll Win: In 2008, the Republicans found themselves flush with candidates who had trouble appealing to all three major factions of GOP voters: social, fiscal and national security conservatives. Hoping to avoid the same dilemma in 2012, some in the Republican leadership began looking for a candidate who had across-the-board conservative appeal. To find that person, they looked to a family which had already produced two such presidents. Gluey Bush, so named because his skin is sticky to the touch, is the third cousin of former President George W. Bush. Gluey was proven to be a lost member of the Bush clan through DNA tests in 2009, when he was brought in by animal control for rabies testing after biting then-Governor Charlie Crist.
Like his cousin when he first ran, Gluey has broad support from across the Republican Party. Blessed with the mind of a child and the inability to speak, Gluey has been called a "perfect candidate," as his policy positions are entirely crafted and poll tested by GOP strategists and conservative think tanks. And while Gluey's feral demeanor and grotesque appearance might be liabilities in any other election year, his irrational mood swings and foaming-at-the-mouth rages make him perfectly suited for the Republican Party of 2012.
Why He'll Lose: Though Gluey's supporters and right-wing talkers like to dismiss the candidate's blood lust as "feistiness," the mainstream media could be decidedly less forgiving. Gluey has a reputation in his Florida hometown as a malevolent Peeping Tom, and has been apprehended by local police on multiple occasions for trespassing and devouring beloved family pets. When Gluey is agitated - and he is always agitated - he will rip to shreds any voter who comes within lunging distance, thereby hurting his chances with voters who want to live.
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