Full Name: Barack Hussein Mohammed al-Qaeda Obama
D.O.B.: August 4, 1961
Offices Held: President of the United States (2009- ), Illinois Senator (2005-2008), Illinois State Senator (1997-2004)
Why He’ll Win: Obama beat the odds in 2008, thanks in part to his record-breaking fundraising operation, which got college kids to shell out cash they otherwise would have spent on weed. Even a scandal like the Reverend Wright controversy can’t undo Obama, because it just gives him an opportunity to make a speech, turning a personal embarrassment into a teachable moment, not unlike the end of an episode of Full House. And while Obama’s electoral fortunes may ultimately hinge on the unemployment rate, there’s absolutely no way he could lose if the Republicans nominate a far-right candidate like Sarah Palin. Or Mike Huckabee. Newt Gingrich is also a bad choice. Also, people don’t really like Mitt Romney. Giuliani would never make it past the primaries. And who’s ever heard of Haley Barbour or Tim Pawlenty, anyway? But anyone else would have a shot.
Why He’ll Lose: Liberals are mad at Obama for not delivering on things he never promised, like single-payer health care and turning Capitol Hill into one, big hackeysack court. Conservatives are mad at Obama for doing things he hasn’t done like raise taxes on the middle class and turning Capitol Hill into his own, personal mosque. And while Obama has had many actual legislative accomplishments, no one can seem to remember what they are, except for the time he bailed out the banks (which was Bush).
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