by Richard M. Nixon

    It doesn't matter if you're young, old, male, female, white, black, brown, Republican or Democrat, Americans agree on one thing: we all hate Congress.  No other government institution, through pettiness and inaction, makes Americans throw up in their mouths with the frequency and intensity of the United States Congress.  This carnival sideshow of 535 crooks, boozers and nymphomaniacs who represent us accomplish nothing save for the occasional bill to name a bridge after Ronald Reagan, God rest his makeup-caked soul.  And no wonder they're unpopular; one senator representing all 38 people who live in Wyoming can single-handedly stymie a plan put forth by a president elected by a majority of Americans nationwide.  But now, in the midst of this fight over raising the debt ceiling, Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell has offered, unfathomably, to cede control of Congress' debt ceiling-raising powers to the president.  If President Obama doesn't jump on that, there may be something medically wrong with him.

    When Nixon was president, I despised Congress because they refused to bend to my superior judgment and kept me from acting in the nation's best interest.  Every time I wanted to summarily dismiss special prosecutors or end the Vietnam War by escalating it, Congress would get their panties in a bunch and cry foul.  Those cocksuckers never gave an inch in my day, but here we are in 2011, and the Republican leaders in Congress are ready to throw away trillions of dollars in budget cuts and give up total control over the debt ceiling to avoid raising taxes.
    So this is a victory for President Obama, then, right?  Perhaps not.  Mr. Obama has his virtues, and his willingness to spend political capital to accomplish grand goals is easily his biggest failing.  Obama has his enemies bent over, ready to take one for the team, and he's still waxing poetic about a grand bargain.  Whenever Obama gushes about solving problems and putting politics aside - like a woman - I hang my head in shame and wonder how this country got to where it is.
    What neither side seems to realize is politics is a zero-sum game.  The Republicans can have it all if they stick to their guns and save their deal-making for when lobbyists show up at their door.  But if McConnell is out there offering to transfer power to the president, what is Mr. Obama waiting for?  Take them to dinner, make them feel pretty and special, then fuck 'em.  In high stakes political negotiations, the game is always the same: fuck or be fucked.

Richard Nixon is a regular SuperTuesdayNews contributor and the deceased 37th President of the United States.