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Looks like it's time for another good, old-fashioned union ass-whomping

02/23/2011

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by Richard M. Nixon

It's only February, but already spring is in the air.  Each day brings with it a few more minutes of sunshine, while God's creatures great and small emerge from their long winter slumbers to fornicate.  If I sound uncharacteristically womanly, it's because Nixon is positively tickled pink at the sight of greedy, shiftless union drones pleading for their rights at the Wisconsin State Capitol.  My jowls haven't been this flush with color since I accidently walked in on Kissenger changing for the White House Correspondents Dinner!  Governor Walker has those union bastards right where he wants them, and he'll get more than he ever dreamed if he has the balls to see this standoff through to the end.
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Am I the only one who feels bad for Mubarak?

02/11/2011

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by Richard M. Nixon

Let me make something clear to the grass-smoking bleeding hearts who read this blog: it's not easy being a world leader.  With leadership comes scorn, ridicule, second-guessing; polls dictate just how "popular" you are, while advisors give you asinine directives like "smile more" or "scowl less."  And every day, your enemies are working against you to rob you of your title and power.  Today, the world lost one of the good ones: Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, a man whose only crime was the desire to crush all opposition and be president forever.
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So you say you're thinking of running for president....

02/01/2011

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by Richard M. Nixon

Over the course of my political career, I've been on the Republican ticket five times, so I guess that makes me something of an expert on running for president.  Presidential campaigns can be arduous marathons of mudslinging, name-calling and dirty tricks, but the run-up to a campaign isn't nearly as fun.  Being a candidate who has yet to announce is like being the prettiest little girl at the spring jubilee; you've got to blue ball every boy who wants to dance with you until your skank of a best friend steps onto the dance floor first.  From what I've learned, there are five things every would-be candidate must do before deciding to take the plunge:
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