by Richard M. Nixon
When I was president, there were certain duties I enjoyed more than others. Getting to talk to everyday Americans about their everyday problems was always a giant pain in the ass. But the power, the fame, the stature, and the fear you instill in the hearts of those who would cross you are what make life worth living for the president, which is probably why I loved delivering the State of the Union address. The SOTU is the one event where all of Washington's biggest cocksuckers gather in one place, and they're all there to hear what the president has to say. There were plenty of members of Congress who hated Nixon, but when I walked into the House chamber to deliver my annual address, you better believe every last one of them lined up to kiss Nixon's ass (even that son-of-a-bitch Ted Kennedy, may he rest in peace).
by Richard M. Nixon
Anyone who knows me is aware that the press and I have never seen eye to eye. Show me a reporter without a hidden agenda, and I'll show you a Daniel Ellsberg in Walter Cronkite's clothing. I'll admit, it's hard for me to go on television and come across as anything but a sweaty liar. But much as changed since my time in politics, and Americans have more choices than ever when it comes to getting their news. That's why I agreed to write this column, so that the hard-working Silent Majority can get the unvarnished truth from a name they trust: Dick Nixon. And while this medium has its limitations, I can share my opinions with you, Dear Reader, without having my words edited and twisted around by a certain "Chosen People." Also, I don't have to worry about watching my language. Cocksucker! See? Redact that, Washington Post!
You may ask, Dear Reader, if I only plan on talking up the Republican candidates in this election. While I remain a proud conservative, Nixon doesn't have a horse in this race. Like many Americans across the ideological spectrum, I wait to see if Barack Obama will ever grow some balls, or if Sarah Palin will ever say something that makes sense. You can bet that I'll call them like I see them, always keeping my Enemies List handy for quick revisions. It was true when I said it in '72, and it's even truer today: America needs Dick Nixon, now more than ever.