When I was president, there were certain duties I enjoyed more than others. Getting to talk to everyday Americans about their everyday problems was always a giant pain in the ass. But the power, the fame, the stature, and the fear you instill in the hearts of those who would cross you are what make life worth living for the president, which is probably why I loved delivering the State of the Union address. The SOTU is the one event where all of Washington's biggest cocksuckers gather in one place, and they're all there to hear what the president has to say. There were plenty of members of Congress who hated Nixon, but when I walked into the House chamber to deliver my annual address, you better believe every last one of them lined up to kiss Nixon's ass (even that son-of-a-bitch Ted Kennedy, may he rest in peace).