by Richard M. Nixon

    Anyone who knows me is aware that the press and I have never seen eye to eye.  Show me a reporter without a hidden agenda, and I'll show you a Daniel Ellsberg in Walter Cronkite's clothing.  I'll admit, it's hard for me to go on television and come across as anything but a sweaty liar.  But much as changed since my time in politics, and Americans have more choices than ever when it comes to getting their news.  That's why I agreed to write this column, so that the hard-working Silent Majority can get the unvarnished truth from a name they trust: Dick Nixon.  And while this medium has its limitations, I can share my opinions with you, Dear Reader, without having my words edited and twisted around by a certain "Chosen People."  Also, I don't have to worry about watching my language.  Cocksucker!  See?  Redact that, Washington Post!
    You may ask, Dear Reader, if I only plan on talking up the Republican candidates in this election.  While I remain a proud conservative, Nixon doesn't have a horse in this race.  Like many Americans across the ideological spectrum, I wait to see if Barack Obama will ever grow some balls, or if Sarah Palin will ever say something that makes sense.  You can bet that I'll call them like I see them, always keeping my Enemies List handy for quick revisions.  It was true when I said it in '72, and it's even truer today: America needs Dick Nixon, now more than ever.