TALLAHASSEE, FL - Making an appeal to Evangelical voters in Florida's capital on Friday, former Sen. Rick Santorum promised them, if elected president, he would use the power of his office to reshape the geographical contours of the state so that it no longer resembles a penis.  "Florida is a beautiful place on the ground, but from above it's a different story," said Santorum.  "It's high time Floridians lived in a state they could point out to their children on a map."
     Santorum, who is ranked a distant third in most Florida polls, assured the suspicious crowd that the state's coastline and borders could be altered slightly to great effect.  "If we erode the coast in some spots and build it up in others, suddenly we've got a state that looks more like, say, a sucked-on popsicle than a male member.  As a matter of state and national pride, isn't it worth the cost?"

     As the crowd tried to veer the conversation toward issues like jobs and health care, Santorum feverishly doubled-down on changing the phallic shape of the state.  "Aren't you tired of the jokes?" Santorum asked.  "After everything Florida has accomplished over the years, doesn't it just burn you up that the only thing people think of when they think of Florida is just how much the state looks like a penis, the most disgusting thing in nature?  When I'm president, the era of words having unrelated obscene connotations will be over."
     Santorum also said that he would consider making other things look less phallic, suggesting he would mandate that hot dogs and sausages have flat ends.