"If Gluey could talk, he'd tell all you fine folks here today that he is a candidate for the Republican nomination for president," announced Remy Beauregard, 66, a veteran campaign strategist and Gluey surrogate.
The event took an unfortunate turn later in the day when, during the candidate's meet and greet, a car backfired, sending Gluey into a frightened rage; Gluey bit one woman on the arm, then charged a family attempting to flee, injuring two. Gluey's handlers managed to sedate him, and the event ended 20 minutes ahead of schedule.
As Gluey was escorted away, President Bush was asked if he thought his cousin's severe intellectual deficiencies would be a liability for him going forward. "Gluey's his own man," replied Mr. Bush. "No one should compare him to me."