LAKE JACKSON, TX - In a memo sent to reporters covering the campaign, Congressman Ron Paul's press secretary Gary Howard announced the Paul campaign will recycle all the paper ballots cast around the country for Paul. The decision ensures that, at the very least, Paul's supporters may only figuratively be throwing their votes away.
"Though we have every reason to believe that our momentum will build to the point that we may actually win a state, Dr. Paul has decided that the efforts of his most fervent supporters are too great to go to waste," wrote Howard. "Therefore, our campaign will try to acquire as many ballots cast for Dr. Paul as we can for recycling, on the off chance the Republican base doesn't suddenly rally around Ron Paul."
GENEVA - Hoping to stake an immediate claim on the 50 delegates he won in Tuesday's Florida primary, former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA) ordered his campaign to find those delegates - supporters who will vote for Romney at the Republican National Convention - and bring them, willing or otherwise, to his private bank vault in Switzerland, where they will remain until the convention in August.
"Florida is a winner-take-all state in terms of delegates, and Governor Romney is simply making good on that promise," explained Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades. "Those delegates are a precious commodity for the governor, and he needs them to be where no one can get to them - not Newt Gingrich, not Ron Paul, not even the IRS." Rhoades added, "They'll be just fine in that vault. If it was big enough to house Governor Romney's capital gains, it's big enough to hold 50 people."
Youth for Paul.
REDLANDS, CA - In a calculated attempt to appease his supporters, Congressman Ron Paul announced on Saturday that his campaign had procured all remaining tickets to the popular Southern California music festival, Coachella.
“Everywhere I go across the country, my supporters ask me the same questions: When will we pull out of Afghanistan, how will you bring down our nation’s debt, and can you get us tickets to Coachella?” Paul continued, "I'm the only candidate in this race with a plan to do all of those things."
"Our plan is to scalp the tickets at Coachella," explained Paul's campaign manager John Tate. "But we're only selling them to tried and true Paul supporters. If you can't explain what the Gold Standard is, you ain't getting a ticket."
The 2012 GOP field, for better or worse.
With the Iowa caucuses on Jan. 3rd fast approaching, the Republican candidates for president are making their final push to get their supporters to the polls and win over undecideds in the all-important Hawkeye State.
Fmr. Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum staged a mass Christmas gift burning in Davenport, so that he and his supporters might purge themselves of the "sinful" and "racy" gifts they might have received from friends and loved ones. Santorum's contributions to the bonfire included a Michael Buble Christmas CD and an Android phone. "My kids don't need to be listening to popular music," said Santorum, "and they most certainly shouldn't have access to Google."
Things were quieter at
Rep. Michele Bachmann's campaign headquarters in Des Moines. Following the departure of her state campaign co-chair, Bachmann's campaign staff has dwindled down to the candidate's immediate family and a plastic novelty drinking bird to answer phones. Things may get even bleaker for Bachmann, as her husband Marcus is said to be eyeing Mitt Romney "very closely."
ATLANTA, GA - Primetime CNN anchor John King made a major error on his broadcast Friday, mistakenly devoting three whole minutes of airtime to covering the campaign of Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX). Though King eventually apologized, CNN nonetheless suspended the anchor without pay for the duration of the election season as a penalty for covering the third place libertarian congressman's long-shot presidential bid.
King began the broadcast focusing on the soft support for top-tier candidates Mitt Romney and Rick Perry when he suggested, unfathomably, that some Republican voters might be giving Ron Paul a second look.
"The show was humming along until John cut away to some Ron Paul campaign footage," explained CNN contributor and guest on King's Friday show, Mary Matalin. "It could've been a mistake, but he just kept talking about Ron Paul and then asked me if I thought Paul had a shot in New Hampshire. I almost threw up in my mouth."
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