TALLAHASSEE, FL - Making an appeal to Evangelical voters in Florida's capital on Friday, former Sen. Rick Santorum promised them, if elected president, he would use the power of his office to reshape the geographical contours of the state so that it no longer resembles a penis. "Florida is a beautiful place on the ground, but from above it's a different story," said Santorum. "It's high time Floridians lived in a state they could point out to their children on a map."
Santorum, who is ranked a distant third in most Florida polls, assured the suspicious crowd that the state's coastline and borders could be altered slightly to great effect. "If we erode the coast in some spots and build it up in others, suddenly we've got a state that looks more like, say, a sucked-on popsicle than a male member. As a matter of state and national pride, isn't it worth the cost?"
A wide-eyed Brand endorses Santorum.
ALTOONA, IA - On the day of the Iowa Caucuses, entertainer Russell Brand made an unscheduled appearance at a Rick Santorum event, surprising everyone in attendance with an unannounced endorsement of the culturally conservative candidate.
"Hello, Iowans! It's me! Film and television's Russell Brand!" proclaimed Brand, after barging his way up to where Senator Santorum was speaking at the Altoona Public Library, 35 minutes after the event began. "When you go and vote, make sure it's for my mate Ricky Santorum here. He's the only person running who appreciates depravity. I mean, have you googled Ricky Santorum's name? Do it! Seriously, do it right now! This man is a fucking nympho!"
Gingrich with an onion in his pocket in 2010.
COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA - Newt Gingrich tried to explain away his recent emotional outburst Saturday night by blaming it on an onion planted in his jacket by a rival campaign. The former House Speaker had teared up while talking about his late mother at an event on Friday. The next day, he told some of his biggest Iowa donors at a fundraising gala that someone had placed an onion in his breast pocket before the taped Q&A.
"This woman gave it to me," claimed Gingrich. "It was a strange gift, but I didn't want to offend her. Later on, I kept getting wafts of the thing, and it made me tear up. Looking back, it had to have been sabotage by a rival campaign." He added, "I'm not normally that weak."
This would not be the first time Gingrich has blamed crying on onions. At last year's Mackinac Policy Conference, Gingrich, pictured above, had an onion slice firmly secured in his breast pocket and was visibly misty-eyed. At the time, Gingrich's team claimed the onion, "Had slipped out the back of a hoagie."
The 2012 GOP field, for better or worse.
With the Iowa caucuses on Jan. 3rd fast approaching, the Republican candidates for president are making their final push to get their supporters to the polls and win over undecideds in the all-important Hawkeye State.
Fmr. Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum staged a mass Christmas gift burning in Davenport, so that he and his supporters might purge themselves of the "sinful" and "racy" gifts they might have received from friends and loved ones. Santorum's contributions to the bonfire included a Michael Buble Christmas CD and an Android phone. "My kids don't need to be listening to popular music," said Santorum, "and they most certainly shouldn't have access to Google."
Things were quieter at
Rep. Michele Bachmann's campaign headquarters in Des Moines. Following the departure of her state campaign co-chair, Bachmann's campaign staff has dwindled down to the candidate's immediate family and a plastic novelty drinking bird to answer phones. Things may get even bleaker for Bachmann, as her husband Marcus is said to be eyeing Mitt Romney "very closely."
ATLANTA, GA - Primetime CNN anchor John King made a major error on his broadcast Friday, mistakenly devoting three whole minutes of airtime to covering the campaign of Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX). Though King eventually apologized, CNN nonetheless suspended the anchor without pay for the duration of the election season as a penalty for covering the third place libertarian congressman's long-shot presidential bid.
King began the broadcast focusing on the soft support for top-tier candidates Mitt Romney and Rick Perry when he suggested, unfathomably, that some Republican voters might be giving Ron Paul a second look.
"The show was humming along until John cut away to some Ron Paul campaign footage," explained CNN contributor and guest on King's Friday show, Mary Matalin. "It could've been a mistake, but he just kept talking about Ron Paul and then asked me if I thought Paul had a shot in New Hampshire. I almost threw up in my mouth."
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