by Colin Garvey
Green Party voter
Listen up, people, because I'm tired of saying this: yes, I know there's an anti-Obama "Keep the Change" bumper sticker on the back of my Nissan Sentra, and no, I didn't put it there. What do you mean, 'have I tried peeling it off'? Of course I've tried peeling it off - that's the first thing I tried for fuck's sake! The thing is stuck on there for good, and I don't want to ruin my bumper trying to scrape it off, so can we please just drop this?
Okay, I see you're not gonna let this one go, so let me explain: I bought my car three months ago from a guy on Craigslist, and when I checked out the car, I didn't even see the bumper sticker on there - no joke! I didn't bother to ask him if he was some misinformed hick who'd chosen to display his ignorance for the world to see on his bumper. The car only had 25,000 miles on it and the interior didn't stink, and at the price he was selling it, I couldn't pass it up. Lesson learned. But seriously, it's not cool to egg my car when it's parked on the street or to call me a war monger whenever I'm getting inside. Do you realize how hard it is being the only person at Whole Foods with an asinine fascist slogan on his car? I live and work in Venice, California which is like, hippie central, so you'd think everyone would be mellow enough to live and let live. But unless I back up into a stall, nine times out of ten I'll walk out to my car to find a homeless LSD casualty taking a long, sputtering piss on my Nissan, telling me and Bush to go fuck ourselves.
And please, spare me the speech about all the things wrong with the bumper sticker. I understand just how fucking stupid it is. In fact, I didn't vote for Obama because I knew he wasn't going to be tough on gun control or repeal the Bush tax cuts. I don't want to hear about what Rachel Maddow or Bill Maher said on their shows last night that will refute the "argument I'm trying to make" with my bumper sticker. I don't want to sound like Bill O'Reilly, but seriously dude, just shut up about the bumper sticker already, please.