BOSTON - In his first appearance on Meet the Press in three years, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney appeared totally and completely shitfaced for his interview with moderator David Gregory. The former Massachusetts governor looked haggard and tired in the final hours of what had surely been an all-night bender, slurring his words and vacillating between emotional extremes while incoherently touching on his campaign themes.
"I love this country so much, Tim," said Romney, his suit crumpled and stained with vomit. "It's a great company. That's why I'm gonna do my damnedest to work it, and why we gotta fire that other guy, Obama. He's the one that's causing all the problems, that guy. But it's not that I think he's a bad guy. He can park my car, I mean, I'd let him. I'm fine with it."
BOSTON, MA - Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney took in millions for his campaign and freed up some space in his den after garage sales were held at each of his six homes over the weekend. The $20 million haul bests President Obama's recent Hollywood fundraiser tally - $15 million - and easily set the record for the most profitable garage sale in history.
"Governor Romney is just like you and me," said Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades. "Instead of knocking on George Clooney's door when he needs extra cash, he holds a garage sale at each of his six homes and pockets a few million dollars over one weekend. That's something we can all relate to."
While Romney had each of his five sons operate the garage sales at his other residences, Romney put himself in charge of at one of his two Boston-area homes, leading to some unusual bartering with guests.
NORTHAMPTON, MA - Radio host and embattled provocateur Rush Limbaugh announced Wednesday that he will teach a course on women's studies at Smith College in Massachusetts, one of the Seven Sisters schools. Limbaugh, who made headlines recently when he called a female Harvard Law School student a "slut," told his radio listeners his new gig proves he is on the side of women.
"Ladies, you don't have to get your panties in a bunch any longer," said Limbaugh. "I am willingly venturing into an enclave of liberalism and femi-Nazis to educate young minds on the struggle of girls to compete against men, or whatever."
Limbaugh promises the class will be difficult for some, as he has no plans to work around his students' "recreational activities."
DENVER, CO - Former Speaker Newt Gingrich pounced on the New England Patriots' defeat in Super Bowl XLVI Monday, telling a campaign audience in Colorado that the sole reason the Patriots lost to the New York Giants was because they live in a state with Romneycare - the Massachusetts health care law passed by former Governor Mitt Romney. According to Gingrich, the health of the players on the Patriots had diminished so much because of Romneycare, they were in no condition to mount a victory against anyone.
"Looking at the Patriots last night, one would've guessed that they were adrift at sea for the past year," said Gingrich. "They looked sick, malnourished, in desperate need of private health insurance. And I think the outcome of the game would've been vastly different if they didn't have to buy their insurance through one of Comrade Romney's socialist exchanges."
Romney's Chinese campaign volunteers stand ready.
BEIJING - Gov. Mitt Romney was the guest of honor Friday at the ribbon cutting ceremony for what will be the nerve center of his entire 2012 presidential campaign organization - a 150,000 sq. ft. warehouse in China's capital city. Romney looked on with pride as 5,000 Chinese factory workers marched inside the colossal structure to begin their 15-hour workday, manufacturing 'Romney Job Creator #1!!' bumper stickers and calling registered Republicans in key South Carolina counties.
"These workers represent what this campaign is all about - people coming together in spite of government regulations and labor laws to elect the only person in this race with private sector experience," said Romney, who shuttered his former campaign headquarters in Boston as well as all his state and local campaign offices to consolidate his operation in Beijing.
The Romneys, moments before Mitt's career ended.
BELMONT, MA - Is Mitt Romney's presidential campaign over before it even began?
Former governor and presidential hopeful Mitt Romney made a major gaffe on Monday, when he admitted on camera that he would miss the Super Bowl because he plans on spending the day at church with his family. "In my mind, this sort of error totally disqualifies him from being president," admitted Republican strategist and CNN contributor Alex Castellanos. "The Republican Party has never nominated a president who won't watch the goddamn Super Bowl."