DENVER - During their first primetime debate at the University of Denver Wednesday night, Governor Mitt Romney leveled harsh criticism at President Barack Obama that remained largely unanswered, as Mr. Obama spent most of the debate focused on crafting a painstakingly detailed model of the HMS Constitution inside a glass bottle. Over the course of the 90-minute debate, the president gave mostly halting, mumbled answers, opting instead to spend more time adding detail to the cabin windows, or giving the mast more of a tapered look.
Gingrich and a young campaign "volunteer"
DES MOINES, IA - Making good on his assertion that poor children should be allowed to work, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's Iowa campaign operation confirmed Thursday they recently acquired over fifty children from orphanages and low-income homes to assist in their get-out-the-vote effort.
"We took these kids from their inadequate classrooms and filthy homes so that they might learn the greatest lessons of all: democracy, community, and the value of a 20-hour workday," explained Gingrich during an appearance on Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor. "They are an asset to the campaign, because it's a hell of a lot harder for people to slam a door on a seven-year old."
The young Gingrich conscripts have been out in full force in Iowa this month, knocking on doors and occasionally asking for food and medicine. When their feeble, malnourished arms are unable to reach a voter's doorbell or make much noise knocking, they leave a tear-stained pamphlet behind, extolling the virtues of Newt Gingrich.
Beck recovers after taking too many crazy pills.
PASADENA, CA - Conservative talker Glenn Beck suffered a personal and professional setback Friday, when it was announced that Beck's radio and television programs would be placed on temporary hiatus while the host recovers from a two-day anti-psychotic prescription drug binge in Las Vegas. Producers for Beck's Fox News program claim the controversial host took too many anti-psychotics, and is, therefore, not crazy enough to espouse his usual lunatic theories or go on one of his trademark insane rants that his viewers have come to expect.