 LOS ANGELES - With Election Day 2012 in the history books, the Southern California-based SuperTuesdayNews - which Politico once called "a website" - officially reached the end of its relevancy as a source of fake election news. The site was the brainchild of drunken former comedy writers for Playhouse 90 and The Red Skelton Show, and was originally envisioned as a resource for people seeking to locate reputable methadone clinics in their area. The site later transitioned to political humor, taking aim at real-life politicians and inventing outrageous fictitious ones, such as Gluey Bush and Jon Huntsman. Despite no longer being relevant, the editors at SuperTuesdayNews indicated they may continue to deliberately mislead people with their flagrantly libelous untruths into the foreseeable future or, failing that, return to providing visitors with reviews on area methadone clinics.
 Gluey Bush, demonstrating his health care plan. RIVERSIDE, CA - Genetic aberration and clammy presidential candidate Gluey Bush presented his eagerly-anticipated health care reform plan, SmellyCare, to the Republican National Hispanic Assembly on Saturday. Gluey told the crowd - politely gathered in the alley behind the Aguila Banquet Hall for his speech - that he believes Americans who cannot afford health care should have access to dumpsters behind hospitals and the right to self-medicate themselves with whatever they find. "Dig food good," said Gluey via an electronic translator, hissing and rooting through the banquet hall's trash while wearing a Santa suit. At that moment, Gluey adviser Jenny Carlyle, 22, walked over to Gluey and attempted to whisper something to him. Before she could even get close, the mere movement she presented inside Gluey’s peripheral vision provoked the candidate to claw her face off.
 Youth for Paul. REDLANDS, CA - In a calculated attempt to appease his supporters, Congressman Ron Paul announced on Saturday that his campaign had procured all remaining tickets to the popular Southern California music festival, Coachella.
“Everywhere I go across the country, my supporters ask me the same questions: When will we pull out of Afghanistan, how will you bring down our nation’s debt, and can you get us tickets to Coachella?” Paul continued, "I'm the only candidate in this race with a plan to do all of those things."
"Our plan is to scalp the tickets at Coachella," explained Paul's campaign manager John Tate. "But we're only selling them to tried and true Paul supporters. If you can't explain what the Gold Standard is, you ain't getting a ticket."
 WASHINGTON, DC - As the country barrels toward the Aug. 2 deadline to raise the debt ceiling or face economic catastrophe, House Republican leaders have budged on their demand to not raise taxes by agreeing to raise taxes on just one individual, Kevin Moore of Fresno, California.
"While we strongly believe that raising taxes on anybody in this economy would be unwise, the president has made clear that he will not agree to a deal that doesn't include higher taxes," explained House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). "After intense negotiations, leaders Cantor and McConnell and myself have reluctantly agreed to raise taxes on a single American. Mr. Moore will just have to take one for the team."
 Carnage after Gluey's Zamboni ride. SAN JOSE, CA - Last night’s game one semifinals match between the Detroit Red Wings and San Jose Sharks ended in an overtime win for the Sharks, but not before an appalling third period intermission. Bill Merkle, the Sharks’ veteran Zamboni driver who had been with the team since their 1991 NHL début, was decapitated by GOP presidential candidate Gluey Bush when he joined Merkle for the third period promotional Zamboni ride-along.
Gluey, a lifelong Red Wings fan, stepped onto the ice wearing a Steve Yzerman jersey. “I told him to wear the jersey. He’s a Wings fan and he’s not going to bend his pride for anyone. It sends the message that he’s not afraid to take sides on any issue, and because Michigan is more in play than California,” campaign manager Remy Beauregard explained.
 Presidential candidate Lars Ulrich SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Metallica drummer and presidential-hopeful Lars Ulrich’s next film role is causing uneasiness amongst voters. Following a cameo in last year’s Get Him to the Greek (in which he played himself), Ulrich has signed on to portray Dutch documentarian/communist Joris Ivens in the upcoming film, Hemingway & Gelhorn. The TV movie, currently filming, focuses on the relationship between legendary author Ernest Hemingway and World War II columnist Martha Gelhorn. Though he is playing a staunch communist in the film, Ulrich claims he has no official ties to the communist party or belief system. (See also: Lars Ulrich makes presidential run, tells nation to 'chill the fuck out.')
 PALO ALTO, CA - President Barack Obama's visit to the offices of Facebook took an uncomfortable turn Thursday, when the President repeatedly demonstrated that he had somehow, in his mind, combined the details of the Mark Zuckerberg biopic The Social Network with the mind-bending action hit Inception, and he believed Facebook was in the business of "making dream machines".
"There are plenty of talented folks out there who can do a pretty good impression of me, but I can't imagine what it must be like to see Leonardo DiCaprio on the big screen pretending to be me," said the President, before a stunned crowd of Facebook employees. "But what Mark was able to accomplish in the field of directed dreaming while still in college is what is truly remarkable, and I applaud him for that."
 Gluey Bush (middle) with David & Julia Koch PALM SPRINGS, CA - Following a series of closed-door meetings with GOP and tea party leaders, George W. Bush's third cousin, Gluey Bush, a derelict with severe mental and physical disabilities, has decided to seek the 2012 Republican nomination for president, Super Tuesday News has learned exclusively. The decision was reached during a semi-annual gathering of conservative political and business leaders organized by energy barons David and Charles Koch.
"We're thrilled with Gluey's decision to run," said Tea Party Express chair Amy Kremer, in an official statement. "Gluey believes in small government and individual liberties, and we believe he will be a shining star in the Republican primary field."
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