Presidential candidate Lars Ulrich
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Metallica drummer and presidential-hopeful Lars Ulrich’s next film role is causing uneasiness amongst voters. Following a cameo in last year’s Get Him to the Greek (in which he played himself), Ulrich has signed on to portray Dutch documentarian/communist Joris Ivens in the upcoming film, Hemingway & Gelhorn. The TV movie, currently filming, focuses on the relationship between legendary author Ernest Hemingway and World War II columnist Martha Gelhorn. Though he is playing a staunch communist in the film, Ulrich claims he has no official ties to the communist party or belief system. (See also: Lars Ulrich makes presidential run, tells nation to 'chill the fuck out.')
LOS ANGELES, CA – During a sparsely-attended tutorial session at the West Hollywood Guitar Center on Thursday, Metallica drummer and anti-Napster warmonger, Lars Ulrich, announced his bid for the presidency in 2012. The heavy metal musician, now 47, says he is looking forward to getting out on the road to meet his fans and “lick some babies and shit” during his campaign tour. The 42-state, “…And Justice for All” tour is scheduled to kick off late 2011 after Metallica headlines Brazil’s Rock in Rio festival. Tickets for rallies and town hall appearances will go on sale via Ticketmaster beginning August 1st, at a reasonably-priced $264 (plus tax and service fees) for general admission.
When asked about his political platform, Ulrich was quoted as saying, “I want to, like, just loosen the fuck up, right? We’re so uptight in this country and everyone just needs to, you know, chill the fuck out and stuff. Also, we gotta make more laws so that people don’t take other people’s money and shit. Like, I go to sleep looking at this awesome Monet original hanging over my bed that I bought after I made ReLoad. That doesn’t belong to some guy on the street who cries into a paper ass bag ‘cause he can’t feed his kids! Get a fuckin’ job and stop trying to take away my basic life essentials.”