WASHINGTON - For the first time in 20 years, the large lever located deep in the bowels of Capitol Hill that controls all machinations of the federal government was switched off, effectively shutting the government down in a spectacular display of alarms, jets of steam, and all the lights in government buildings turning off row by row. When the House and Senate failed to agree on a continuing resolution to keep the government operational Monday night, Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) sent a message via pneumatic tube to the Capitol basement that the government was to be shut down. When the switch was thrown, members of Congress were flung from their seats, as the sound of heavy metal gears grinding to a halt filled the chamber. Vice President Joe Biden, meanwhile, collapsed in a heap at his residence, saying only "System error" over and over again. The government shutdown meant that Pat Ruehle, 90, whose sole job it is to man the big, red switch at all times in the event of a shutdown, finally had something to do. "It was nice to get off my stool," said Ruehle, "but of course now that the government's shut down, I won't get paid. Guess it's back to eating dog food for awhile."
WASHINGTON - A day after President Obama's second presidential inauguration, it was revealed by multiple sources involved behind the scenes at the event that Mr. Obama did not deliver his address live, and instead relied on an audio recording. The address, which was initially greeted with much praise from the president's supporters and detractors, alike, now threatens to become a scandal for the freshly sworn-in chief executive.
"I can tell you, having worked in the control room, that the president was lip-syncing his speech," said Gary Johanssen, an audio engineer who told the UK's Daily Mirror he personally hit play on the recording the president's chief of staff gave him earlier that day.
Child safety crusader Sen. Ted Cruz
WASHINGTON - The Senate began debate on a controversial new bill on Tuesday that would classify all registered firearms as children, extending to firearms the same constitutional rights enjoyed by minors. Proponents of the bill say it will strengthen families and protect gun owners from the Obama administration's efforts to "take all the guns".
"If Americans want to protect their guns from this president, then we need to do the sensible thing and make them children in the eyes of the law," the bill's co-sponsor, freshman Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), said as debate began. "Let's see the president try to ban semi-automatic children."
by Pierre Escargot,
Nihilistic French Artist/Gun Rights Supporter
Ah, cruel fate - she is a cold, indifferent bitch. One day you are here, buying wine for your children and the next you are struck by a bus as you leave a Jerry Lewis film festival. C'est la vie. Life is meaninglessness and death. The only thing gained by gun control is the illusion of security. It does nothing to stop death from eventually taking you and all you hold dear. What is the point in restricting firearms when the sun will one day die out, casting the earth in darkness eternal? That is the only possible end for all that man has done and shall ever do, and you want to talk about assault weapons? Don't make me smirk.
WASHINGTON - Faced with the task of finding billions of dollars in budget cuts and new revenues to stave off the crippling austerity measures known as the 'fiscal cliff' before 2012 comes to a close, lawmakers on Capitol Hill have agreed to prolong their dealmaking as long as possible, so that the deciding vote can be dramatically cast at the last moment, mere seconds before the stroke of midnight. By daring to careen toward the cliff only to pull away in the nick of time, congressional leaders hope to offer up a thrilling climax for what has been a protracted and unprecedented breakdown of representational democracy.
"We just strongly believe, and I know my colleague Senator McConnell (R-KY) would agree, that the public deserves, at long last, some kind of bang for their buck after all this," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). "At the end of the day, we have to put aside our differences and get this thing passed in a feverish race against time."
LOS ANGELES - With Election Day 2012 in the history books, the Southern California-based SuperTuesdayNews - which Politico once called "a website" - officially reached the end of its relevancy as a source of fake election news. The site was the brainchild of drunken former comedy writers for Playhouse 90 and The Red Skelton Show, and was originally envisioned as a resource for people seeking to locate reputable methadone clinics in their area. The site later transitioned to political humor, taking aim at real-life politicians and inventing outrageous fictitious ones, such as Gluey Bush and Jon Huntsman.
Despite no longer being relevant, the editors at SuperTuesdayNews indicated they may continue to deliberately mislead people with their flagrantly libelous untruths into the foreseeable future or, failing that, return to providing visitors with reviews on area methadone clinics.
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA - In a surprising 11th hour campaign decision, former President George W. Bush joined Republican presidential nominee Governor Mitt Romney onstage at a campaign rally at the University of Virginia on Monday, marking the first time the former two-term Republican president has attended a public campaign event in this election. According to those inside the Romney campaign, they believe President Bush can be for Romney what Bill Clinton is for President Obama.
"When he's out there on the stump, President Bush is a reminder of a more hopeful time, when deficits didn't matter and foreign policy vacuums were filled by the brightest minds conservative think tanks had to offer," said Romney campaign strategist Stuart Stevens. "In fact, in public opinion polls President Bush consistently ranks among the top 44 presidents we've ever had."
TRENTON, NJ - Emergency crews worked around the clock in New Jersey's capital Monday night and into Tuesday to free upwards of thirty people who became trapped underneath Gov. Chris Christie after he was knocked over by a powerful gust of wind during Hurricane Sandy. Though nearly a dozen of those trapped have been freed and are being treated for crush wounds, many more remain smothered underneath the Rubenesque Republican governor at this hour.
"We are currently working as fast as we can to rescue the people still trapped under Governor Christie before their air runs out down there," assured Capt. Bill Calhoun of the Trenton Fire Department. "Right now we're doing what we can to pull each individual out from under the governor, as any attempt to lift him up off the ground has failed."
SIOUX CITY, IA - The Obama campaign on Wednesday released a 20-page plan for a second term, an agenda largely focused on revealing for the first time the government's heretofore classified intelligence on the Sasquatch, or Bigfoot. Speaking before a rapt crowd at the Sioux City Fairground on Wednesday with his agenda in hand, President Barack Obama promised that, if elected to a second term, he will "come clean" and finally release the most sensational classified information available on Bigfoot to the voting public.
"Governor Romney likes to say that I don't have an agenda for my second term as president, but that's simply not true," said Mr. Obama. "I'm the only candidate for president with a plan to spill the beans on one of America's greatest mysteries. Entire Fox Network primetime specials from the Nineties will have to be remade after I come clean with the knowledge I'm sitting on."
WASHINGTON - The Obama campaign may have believed accusing Gov. Mitt Romney of having Romnesia would be a winning attack line, but that likely changed over the weekend as the head of a Romnesia support group publicly slammed President Obama for politicizing what he called a seriously debilitating condition.
"I'm frankly amazed that President Obama would make light of such a serious affliction as Romnesia," said Tate MacCutcheon, president of the Romnesia Sufferers of America on CNN's State of the Union. "Every day I work with Romnesiacs who shift between severely conservative views to more moderate positions, with absolutely no memory of the political viewpoints they espoused weeks, days, even minutes beforehand. Romnesia is incurable. It breaks up families and destroys relationships. The notion that President Obama would insinuate that Mr. Romney is at all in control of his stance on the issues is insulting in the extreme."