Cain (left), Pres. Saddamalama-ding-dong (right)
NEW YORK, NY - The president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan - a tiny breakaway republic in the Middle East - made a rare visit to his nation's embassy in New York on Friday, where he lauded Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain for mentioning his relatively unknown nation during an interview with CBN's David Brody
"I am thankful to this Mr. Cain for specifically citing Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan during his interview on American television. We are a proud nation, but most people around the world couldn't locate us on a map," admitted President Osama Obama Saddamalama-ding-dong, 58, Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan's democratically-elected leader for the past decade. "Mr. Cain obviously has a deep understanding of foreign policy and the nations in the Middle East, which is so important to your politics, especially at this time."
Fmr. Gov. Sarah Palin (R-Evil)
WASHINGTON, DC - Defying pundits, prognosticators and physicists, Sarah Palin announced Thursday that she will seek the 2012 Republican presidential nomination in an alternate universe parallel to our own. Broadcasting her intentions on Sean Hannity's radio program, the ex-Alaska governor explained, "While I will remain out of the race in our universe, I will campaign vigorously for the nomination in a universe where the chances I could win will hopefully be more favorable."
Pressed by Hannity to detail her plan for capturing an alternate nomination, Palin reasoned, "I can either find a world where I stayed governor, or never said that blood libel thingy, or maybe wasn't such a drag on the ticket last time around and quantum leap into that Sarah's body. That, or I can find a universe that has no Sarah and really dazzle them by showing up unexpected-like."
ATLANTA, GA - Primetime CNN anchor John King made a major error on his broadcast Friday, mistakenly devoting three whole minutes of airtime to covering the campaign of Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX). Though King eventually apologized, CNN nonetheless suspended the anchor without pay for the duration of the election season as a penalty for covering the third place libertarian congressman's long-shot presidential bid.
King began the broadcast focusing on the soft support for top-tier candidates Mitt Romney and Rick Perry when he suggested, unfathomably, that some Republican voters might be giving Ron Paul a second look.
"The show was humming along until John cut away to some Ron Paul campaign footage," explained CNN contributor and guest on King's Friday show, Mary Matalin. "It could've been a mistake, but he just kept talking about Ron Paul and then asked me if I thought Paul had a shot in New Hampshire. I almost threw up in my mouth."