 GENEVA - Hoping to stake an immediate claim on the 50 delegates he won in Tuesday's Florida primary, former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA) ordered his campaign to find those delegates - supporters who will vote for Romney at the Republican National Convention - and bring them, willing or otherwise, to his private bank vault in Switzerland, where they will remain until the convention in August.
"Florida is a winner-take-all state in terms of delegates, and Governor Romney is simply making good on that promise," explained Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades. "Those delegates are a precious commodity for the governor, and he needs them to be where no one can get to them - not Newt Gingrich, not Ron Paul, not even the IRS." Rhoades added, "They'll be just fine in that vault. If it was big enough to house Governor Romney's capital gains, it's big enough to hold 50 people."
 TALLAHASSEE, FL - Making an appeal to Evangelical voters in Florida's capital on Friday, former Sen. Rick Santorum promised them, if elected president, he would use the power of his office to reshape the geographical contours of the state so that it no longer resembles a penis. "Florida is a beautiful place on the ground, but from above it's a different story," said Santorum. "It's high time Floridians lived in a state they could point out to their children on a map."
Santorum, who is ranked a distant third in most Florida polls, assured the suspicious crowd that the state's coastline and borders could be altered slightly to great effect. "If we erode the coast in some spots and build it up in others, suddenly we've got a state that looks more like, say, a sucked-on popsicle than a male member. As a matter of state and national pride, isn't it worth the cost?"
 ORLANDO, FL - Since releasing his 2010 tax return, Mitt Romney's campaign says the candidate has received a groundswell of sympathy and support from Americans of lesser means for having to pay millions of dollars in taxes on his tremendous wealth. In Florida alone, Romney's campaign has had to recruit hundreds of new volunteers to process the crushing wave of sympathy cards, concerned letters and support checks sent in from people across the country who are worried about the state of Romney's finances.
"When Governor Romney revealed he pays a lot of taxes in Monday's debate, that struck a chord with average Americans who understand that job creators like Governor Romney need every break they can get, and then some," said Romney's deputy campaign manager Clyde Brommer. "Americans recognize an injustice when they see it."
 WASHINGTON, DC - President Barack Obama delivered his third State of the Union address Tuesday night, allowing exhausted lawmakers and reporters in attendance to catch up on some much needed sleep. Edging out the Jefferson Memorial and nursing home cafeteria talk as the most boring thing happening in the nation's capital, many in the audience collapsed into a deep sleep, including NBC commentators David Gregory and Andrea Mitchell, who were caught off camera sleeping on one another.
“I felt her cold drool splatter on my face and I knew, I knew I should be awake for this but I just couldn’t open my eyes," explained Gregory. "I was having this dream where I almost was flying ...and it was tremendous.”
 Williams, moments before being bitten by Gluey. TAMPA BAY, FL - Taking a page from his rival Newt Gingrich's playbook, Republican presidential candidate Gluey Bush scored major political points attacking the media during Monday's debate by sinking his gnarled teeth into moderator Brian Williams' throat. Gluey, the genetically mutated third cousin of former President George W. Bush, is prone to acts of physical violence on the campaign trial, but his attack on a high-profile member of the mainstream media immediately endeared him to the Republican base, giving his sagging campaign a much-needed burst of momentum. 15 minutes into the NBC News debate, Williams asked Gluey (who wore a Bob the Builder costume to the debate) if he thought independent voters would seriously consider voting for a violent genetic aberration with the mind of a child. With the help of his electronic translator, Gluey hissed, "Eat now," before lunging at Williams and biting his throat. The GOP faithful in the audience rose to their feet to give Gluey a standing ovation, then booed as he was forcibly sedated and re-shackled to his podium.
 Gingrich stares down a poisonous snake. SIX MILE, SC - Hoping to add to his momentum on the day of the South Carolina primary, presidential candidate Newt Gingrich stumped for votes at several churches affiliated with the practice of snake handling. Gingrich, who now leads in the polls in the Palmetto State, assured the serpent-loving fanatics that he is the only candidate responsive to their concerns.
"Don't let the media or anyone else call you cultists," said Gingrich during a stop at the First Church of the Sacred Venom in an undeveloped region near the Georgia border. "You should be able to practice your religion anytime, anywhere. And when I'm president, you'll be able to take your poisonous snakes to work and your children can take their snakes with them to school. Last I checked, this was the United States of America."
 NORTH CHARLESTON, SC - Texas Governor Rick Perry formally ended his bid for the Republican presidential nomination with an announcement Thursday morning at his Charleston campaign office. When Perry was finished thanking his supporters, he left the building with his wife, Anita, only to spend the next hour trying to remember where he had parked his truck.
Perry, 61, insisted that he parked next to, "Two trees that looked like they're giving each other a high five." However, when several members of Perry's former campaign staff tried looking for such a landmark, they came up empty-handed. Mrs. Perry tried several times to direct her husband to where she believed they had parked, but Perry rebuffed her attempts, insisting, "I got this."
 Obama (left), Deen & Ham (right) WASHINGTON, DC - Hours after television chef and butter advocate Paula Deen announced she had been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, President Barack Obama took time out of his busy schedule to call the Food Network mainstay, personally congratulating Deen for her "crowning achievement."
"On behalf of Michelle and myself, I want to commend you for finally getting diabetes," began Obama. "To anyone who has watched your shows over the years, it's plainly obvious that no one wanted diabetes more or worked harder to become diabetic than you. The amount of butter, fat, sugar and cream you've surely ingested over the years is a testament to American fortitude and American digestive tracts. This diagnosis is no doubt the crowning achievement of what has been an amazing career."
 SALT LAKE CITY, UT - After six months on the campaign trail, comedian and humorist Jon Huntsman announced he was ending his satirical run for the Republican presidential nomination. The funnyman, whose fictitious "Governor" Huntsman was comically mismatched for the modern-day GOP, said he considered his gag run to be a success.
"I've had a blast these past six months," said Huntsman on the Howard Stern program Monday. "The challenge from the start was how we were gonna approach this fake campaign. Colbert plays it far to the right, but I thought it'd be hilarious to be this sound, reasonable candidate who says all the right things and has the perfect credentials and still can't win any Republican votes. Because obviously any Republican who ever worked with a Democratic president in good faith on anything would have no chance with those voters."
 Youth for Paul. REDLANDS, CA - In a calculated attempt to appease his supporters, Congressman Ron Paul announced on Saturday that his campaign had procured all remaining tickets to the popular Southern California music festival, Coachella.
“Everywhere I go across the country, my supporters ask me the same questions: When will we pull out of Afghanistan, how will you bring down our nation’s debt, and can you get us tickets to Coachella?” Paul continued, "I'm the only candidate in this race with a plan to do all of those things."
"Our plan is to scalp the tickets at Coachella," explained Paul's campaign manager John Tate. "But we're only selling them to tried and true Paul supporters. If you can't explain what the Gold Standard is, you ain't getting a ticket."
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